Leaving Words...

I'm about to leave my current job and have been thinking about what to say at my leaving drinks.

Then I saw this on the web:


Could be a very short speech....

The End of the Line

How do you know when is enough is enough? How do you know when it is time to end a relationship or start a new one? Quit your job. Pack up and move to another house, another city, another world? What are the signs?

Some might say that it is not about signs, but about choices. That we make our decisions based on the information we have.

The information we have.

What is this but signs?

I have made a big decision. Actually the decision was made long ago but it is only now that it has forced it's way to the surface of my life. It's a big leap off a high cliff but never mind. I like to do that every now and again.

The signposts that have been pointing the way to this crossroads have been getting bigger and more glaring of late:

A gift of white flowers
The concern on my husband's face
The vision of my friends being held in a box to be unpacked in winter
The big "A". Addiction and dependency
The acute sense of physical revulsion that strikes
The unhappy faces of the bright and loving people in the same situation as me
The feeling that something inside has snapped.

The biggest sign of all was a two hour pep talk given to me by someone who wants me to make a different decision to the one I have made. She does not know of my decision yet as I have not told her. But something inside her knows as she spent two hours bolstering me up. She challenged me to be strong and face the difficulties. To detach myself emotionally from situations so I can get what I want. To be crafty, clever and strategic. She lectured me about maturity. That I have to force myself to do things I don't want to for the bigger picture. To disassociate myself from all the negativity, rise above it and live to fight another day.

By the end of the talk, I felt as if I was about to go into battle. Fight a war. And then I remembered that abridged quote by Sun Tzu who wrote The Art of War:

Choose your battles wisely

and

He who knows when he can fight and when he cannot, will be victorious.[sic]

Instantaneously, the two hour working over I'd had dissipated in the face of the simple truth that I did not want to fight her battles for her anymore.

Wisdom comes with age they say. I don't agree. Some people older than me are the daftest people I know. They have closed themselves off and are locked into a quagmire of their own making. They have stopped paying attention to the signs around them. They think they have already learned all the lessons they ever need to.

What arrogance. What fear.

Wish me luck as I jump off this particular cliff. I'll let you know what I find when I land.

Climb Every Mountain?

In my work life I am surrounded by successful career women. Women who have clawed their way up to the top of the arts' professions. Women whom I never once thought I would have the opportunity to meet. Once upon a time I would have considered many of these people to be role models. I would have considered myself lucky to have landed any one of their jobs.

But not anymore.

I am lucky. I am lucky that my current job has allowed me to meet and work with these women. To see that up close, all that glitters is not always gold.

These women will have had made significant personal sacrifices to get where they are. I know they all work hard and have persevered for years against constant obstacles. I know that they have beat off hundreds, even thousands of competitors to survive in their chosen environment. Up close they do not seem particularly hardened but they are as tough they come.

Knowing this makes me feel distinctly uneasy. Why?

Because I don't want to get to where they are and have become like that. But to get to where they are, I don't think there is a choice. The arts world in London (and everywhere else) is dirty and grasping. As soon as you get a known profile, the knives come out. You have to get your hands filthy to survive and the higher up you are, the grottier they potentially get.

When I was little, my mother, to warn me off a career in politics used to say:

All politcians are corrupt. Even if they start off with good intentions, to stay and succeed in the game, they have to become crooked. A good politician is a contradiction in terms.

So where does that leave me?

With clean hands but no career? Or with a potential career but at what cost?

Ever Eventful

It always bemuses me when the events industry is glamourised. Twelve years ago, I accidentally fell into coordinating my first paid event. It was a two day conference for two hundred delegates. The woman who was supposed to be in charge was having nervous breakdown because her husband had just left her. She asked around her friends to see if they knew of anyone that could help her out. Somehow my name came up in the conversation and upon meeting me briefly, she said:

"You'll do,"

and that was that. Unbeknownst to me at the time, it was the start of a career path.

It turned out that managing events is something that I could just do. It just came naturally. I didn't go and study an events or production course like many people choose to do these days. In fact, I think these courses are bollocks. You need to learn on the job. Does that make me old school? Maybe. I am in my mid 30's and in the events industry that's veering on ancient.

In all the time I've worked in events, I have failed to see what it is that could be percieved as glamorous. Rubbing shoulders with celebrities? Partaking of the free booze and food? Let me tell you - if you are doing these things when working at an event, you're clearly not doing your job properly

The truth is that there is no glamour. When you are managing an event, you have the following:

Stress - lots of it
Tight, shifting deadlines
Long, unsociable hours
Not enough money
Unwieldy artists/celebrities
Pain-in-the-ass agents
Hardened, drug fucked crew (not always but it's common)
Lots of complaints from everyone
Too much adrenaline
Payment problems
Being told how you could do things better by people who don't know what they're talking about
Typos in the publicity/marketing
Thanklessness

Should I go on?

I am in this frame of mind because (if you couldn't already tell), I am sick of mananaging events. All sorts - tours, performances, festivals, workshops, conferences, talks. Everything. I've learned alot about the industry during my time within it but nothing in that time has really caught my imagination. I don't want to be fuelled by adrenaline anymore. I also feel guilty that I never had to struggle too much for it. Like I said, it all came natural.

Maybe this is not the end but only a bit of a work whinge?

Time, as ever, will tell.

My Mentor

My boss is a fascinating woman. To try and describe her in a few sentences is a grave injustice but nonetheless, its my perogative on this blog of mine. I find her endlessly inspiring and very human. She wears her many flaws on her sleeve yet maintains her dignity. She's annoying, quixotic, funny, charismatic, rebellious, fierce and very very bright. She feels like family although I have only known her for a short while. I'm not alone in my evaluation. She is a public person and everyday I see many, many people flock around her like bees to a honeypot. She is both loved and hated in equal measures but always respected.

At some point in my work life, I figured that I needed a role model. A mentor. A guide. I wanted this because I sensed that it was an important part of my development. I wanted someone who would challenge me and push my buttons. I wanted someone truly brave. I needed this. I craved it.

I had hoped to find someone like this in my years of study. An inspirational lecturer or tutor but everyone came up short. I worked job after job but all my managers and bosses blurred into one another. Some were nice but no-one was special. I held out on a lot of people who were sort-of right. I wasn't interested in sort-of.

It was depressing how long it took me to find an inspirational female role model. Or maybe just one that was right for me.

Now that I have found her, I feel glad and lucky. But I also feel that I deserve it. I worked and waited a long time. But I guess these things in life only happen when it's right.

Return To Sender

Being a veteran job hunter, I have spent a good portion of my life going through the mill of job hunting. The scouring through the job pages. Drafting and writing the job application. Answering lots and lots of mundane questions such as:

Are you a good team player?
Do you have excellent interpersonal skills?
Can you pay attention to detail?

Why is it that all the jobs I apply for ask the same ten questions? Has no-one updated the template in the last 100 years?

Let’s face it. Job hunting is a pain in the ass. Literally. A good application can take me up to five hours to do which means a lot of bum-on-seat time.

The other thing I hate about job hunting is when companies won’t accept your CV. Instead they ask you to re-type your whole job history on their application form. Why is this necessary? It’s a waste of time. Companies who ask you to do this are either

a) Really backward and inefficient
b) Manipulative and game playing
c) Sadists

As much as I complain about job hunting, I still do it. What choice do I have? A girl’s gotta eat and I’ve never been much good at the whole networking-let–me-introduce-you-to-this-person way of finding work. I’ve always done it the hard way which is to apply for jobs cold and hope that my experience talks me into an interview.

It’s great when you get asked for an interview. You have a chance and the five hours of writing about your interpersonal skills suddenly seems less painful.

The worst is when you don’t hear back. A lot of companies now state that they will only get in touch with you if you’ve been shortlisted.

This sucks.

Let me get this straight. You work your ass off, writing reams and reams of reasons why you are the world’s best team player. You re-type your whole CV on THEIR application form. Your ass gets numb and your shoulders ache. You ring your ex boss and suck up so that you’ll get a decent reference. You check and re-check your application. You send it off to them before the deadline.

And nothing. Not even a one line email to say, Thanks but no thanks.

Everything is supposed to be easier and quicker now that we have online technology. How hard is it for a company to send a group email to all their rejected candidates?

Why are the fuckers so lazy? And rude.

I don’t buy for one second that this is about saving time. It takes five minutes to send a group email.

Dear Employers of the World,

Pull your finger out and press SEND.

Yours Faithfully,

Lavendar Lee