Tango Till They're Sore

Dance is the simplest, most eloquent and perhaps honest expression of the human condition that we have as sentient beings. Music comes a close second.  However when it is your body that is the instrument of expression, it doesn't get much more intimate than that.

My body has not been my own for many months.  It has belonged to Dragon. It has served her needs, day in, day out to the point that I did not know it anymore. I do not mean that it had sagged and bagged beyond all recognition. I simply did not feel a part of it. I had detached. Exercise and the physical demands of looking after a baby did nothing to re-engage me with my corporeal self.

I knew what I had to do and finally last night, I got to it.

I went dancing.

Tango in fact. Argentine style.

As my feet slid across the floor in the familiar sinuous shapes of my past, I felt serene for the first time in a long, long while. Tom Waits (of all people) flashed through my head

Well ya play that Tarantella
All the hounds they start to roar
And the boys all go to hell
Then the Cubans hit the floor
And they drive along the pipeline
They tango till they're sore
They take apart their nightmares
And they leave them by the door

Instead of the usual tango feet image, I give you Tom Waits. A man I'd like to tango with

Dance has been the longest relationship I've had with anything or anyone, apart from my parents. And I had been neglecting that relationship for far too long

The body remembers always and reminds you of what you have forgotten.

It's all there; waiting beneath the surface.

Death Becomes Her

I caught the train by myself yesterday to visit some friends and my god, was it exciting. Childless, I could sit quietly, look out the window and daydream. The friends bit was great too but the train journey - I could do that forever.

It was a beautiful sunny day with clear blue skies and crisp city air. I had on pink lipstick. Life was good. So naturally I started thinking about death.

My husband thinks I am obsessed. Just that morning I had dramatically announced,  I could quite happily die now. I would be ok with that.

He rolled his eyes. You just have a chest infection, You won't die that easy.

That's not my point, I replied. What I mean is that if I were to die now, I would be ok with what I have done with my life so far.

By this time he had found something more interesting to do such as pick lint off the living room floor.

I have written about death here before. I wrote about it when a close friend was diagnosed with cancer. Back then I was reflecting on what I would do to help him stave off death. On the train yesterday I was thinking about attending his funeral.

It occured to me that the measure of a relationship is whether you would attend somebody's funeral. Especially if it were difficult for you to do so. I have friends scattered all over the globe and I wonder if they died, would I attend their funeral? Would they attend mine?

Not Your Usual Funeral*

I think it's a handy marker for where your friendships are at. Family deaths rank in another category; it's not usually a question whether you would attend or not unless rancor had reigned for too long.

Who would you make the effort to go say goodbye to? If you had no money and couldn't get time off work? Which friends would you still go for?



*Pic - "Elisha Mitchells' Funeral" by Ian Brownlee

The Year of the Dragon

It's Chinese New Year again and it is the Year of the Dragon.

Yes! It's Dragon's year. And in keeping with the rollercoaster journey she's taken me on so far, welcome the to the first day of my Chinese New Year.

I start the year feverish and ill. Bad.

I go to the doctors with Dragon as she's come out in a strange rash. It turns out she has folliculitis. This is Not Great.

I bump into a friend in the waiting room whose little boy has a high fever. The doctor doesn't know what is wrong. They have to go to A & E.  I start to go with her but we are not allowed on the bus. She jumps in a cab. Dragon is looking peaky so I do not follow. They are still there in hospital. They were supposed to go to New Zealand for a two month trip this week. This is Bad.

Dragon spends the rest of the day with a runny nose and a cough. Sigh. Bad.

She starts bursting into tears frequently for no apparent reason. She has never done that before in all her months of illness. Oh dear. Bad.

Behold the Bad Tempered Dragon

Unexpectedly someone sends me chocolate biscuits and someone else gives Dragon a beautiful gift for no reason whatsoever apart from the fact she wants to. This makes the day better and is Good.

I am supposed to write my essay but my old wrist troubles have returned. De Quervains is the bane of my life post pregnancy. Bad. Bad. Bad.

I spend the first night of Chinese New Year having an ultrasound scan of said wrist and end up having my fourth steroid injection in 10 months. A few hours later I am in agony and cannot move my hand at all. Despair.

A friend unexpectedly drops by with some food she has made us for Chinese New Year, refuses to come in and heads straight off again on her two hour journey home. Oh the kindness. I can barely speak.  The definition of Thoughtfulness.

I sleep very little for Dragon coughs throughout the night, as do I. Yes, you can guess what this is.

By morning my hand is no better. I feel like crying. But I don't.

I complete a good chunk of my second essay draft. Phew!

I find out we owe £1300 to EDF. I feel like crying. But I don't.

Husband brings Dragon  home from nursery. I take one look at her and take her temperature. She has a fever. Poor baby. Curse you whoever you are that causes baby sickness. I'd shake my fist at you if I could move my hand into a fist to shake.

Hand improves marginally. Hope. Not a bad thing to have at the start of a new year.

And here we are. The first day of the Year of the Dragon. Tumultuous? Yes. Boring? Never!

 Which really sums up my little Dragon quite well.

But What Do You Do All Day?

When I was childless, it mystified me as to why people with kids always said they never had any time or energy.

What's keeping them so busy?  I wondered.

Sure I'd heard about the sleep deprivation that newborns could cause but that was a just a phase right? What did these parents do that used up all their time and energy? After all there is 24 hours in a day.  I decided they must be exaggerating.

Well feel free to slap me.

Because they were NOT exaggerating.  At all.

After Dragon had been in my life for a few months,  non-parent friends asked me things like:

Have you been following that story in the papers?
Have you read any good books lately?
Have you been to any good shows recently?

Oh how I laughed. But I shouldn't have because I was exactly none the wiser myself before Dragon.

So where does all my time and energy go as I sure as hell don't have much of either? I decided to take an inventory. Just a random day in the life of a mum of a nine month old.**

 Here goes:

5.00: Dragon wakes and cries. I ignore her.
5.15: Still crying. I kick Husband out of bed to go soothe her
5.30: Dragon falls back asleep. So does Husband. I lie awake wishing I could.
6.05: Dragon wakes again. Cries
6.15: Breastfeed Dragon
6.45: Sit with Dragon in steamy bathroom and do her physio (for a mucus issue - long story).
7.05: Dress Dragon and change nappy.
7.30: Plonk Dragon in front of TV. I get changed, make beds, tidy Dragon's room and get her and my breakfast ready
8.00: Feed Dragon. Feed myself.
9.00: Play or Skype Family/Friends
9.20: Dragon nappy change and nap
9.40: Clean breakfast mess, fold and put away laundry. Put in new load of washing. Tidy house. Cook food for Dragon for following day. Answer emails. Make phone calls. Do online errands.
11.00: Dragon wakes. Check nappy. Give snack. Play if staying in or head out to meet friends or for some baby activities (paying exorbitant amounts of money for 30 minutes of singing and clapping, baby swimming, ie holding them in water for 30 mins etc)
11:45 Hang out new load of laundry if home. Get Dragon and my lunch ready
12.00: Feed Dragon lunch. Feed myself.
13.00: Clean lunch mess if at home
14.00: Prepare bottle and feed Dragon
14.30: Dragon nappy change and nap
14.45: Time to MYSELF!
16:00: Dragon wakes. Give snack. Play or go out. Meet up with mum and baby group. Cook or shop
16:30: Do second bathroom physio session with Dragon.
17:15: Get Dragon dinner ready
17:30: Feed Dragon dinner
18:30: Bathe Dragon and get her ready for bed
19:00: Breastfeed Dragon
19:20: Clean up Dragon dinner mess and kitchen
20.00: Eat dinner with Husband
20:30: Get Dragon food sorted for next day. Pack any bags needed for next day. Shower
21:00: Collapse. Talk to Husband. About Dragon
23:00: Breastfeed Dragon
00:00: Sleep
03.00: Dragon cries. Husband and I pray to the Baby Goddess. Please, Please, go back to sleep.

And sometimes, she does.

It'll be just as busy when she is bigger*

Not every day is as above. There are days where we are out and about from morn to night. Days where we have visitors. Days where surprises happen. Days where I get to go out and do whatever I want. Days where I go to uni and kickstart my brain.  But the one constant throughout is that Dragon needs a LOT of care; day in , day out

And for now, I wouldn't have it any other way.

*Image courtesy of Fotolia UK

**To give him his full credit, the Husband is also the primary carer for Dragon. He looks after her most weekends and does her morning routine twice a week on weekdays too. And cooks and cleans and all of it.  And did 80% of the night feeds when she was a newborn. And gets up and soothes her when she wakes in the middle of the night. He is a Good Egg.

A New Year Dawns...

Wow. What a crazy year 2011 was.

I pushed a human being out of my nether regions. That human being now can sit, eat and give me cheek.

What will 2012 bring. This time next year, what will my little world look like?

The very first blog entry I wrote here in 2008 was about whether or not children keep you young. I had heard this saying before but never understood it. To me, all parents looked permanently exhausted, not youthful at all.

Now that I have joined the ranks of exhausted caregivers, I finally understand what it means.

Having a young kid takes a lot. It takes all your time, energy, patience, sanity. But what you get in return is immeasurable.

Hope springs eternal in human breast wrote Alexander Pope.

It's true. In the dark hours of another sleepless night, your baby looks at you or holds onto you in a certain way and all exhaustion is forgotten and you are renewed.

It Gets Easier? Said Who?

One of the things that I am told constantly during my first year of parenthood is that it will get easier.

What does this mean exactly? Will I get to go on that tropical holiday soon and drink margaritas in the sun?  Will Dragon start making me breakfast in bed? Will the gamut of kids stuff clogging our small flat evaporate to be replaced by tasteful decor?

Nada.

I think people aka other parents, tell you it gets easier because that is the thing to say. They are not going to say:

Actually it doesn't get easier. It just changes but there will always be something you are worried about.

You lug this around all day and tell me its easy

A friend once said to me that the early years of child rearing is physically exhausting. Later on when they are older, it becomes emotionally exhausting. She said that she found the latter much harder.

Hooray for her honesty.

Because I haven't found that it gets easier. It changes. Your expectations change. You get used to the physical drudgery and the toll it takes. You shift ever so gradually into parenthood. You begin to get a glimmer of the long haul.

One of the reasons I held off having a baby until my late 30's was that I didn't want to be constantly worried. Nor lose my solitude, both inside my head and within my life.

I'm so glad I waited for life is not easy with Dragon. It is constantly challenging.

But I'm up to the challenge.

Eight Months On...

Technically that's not true. Dragon is now closer to nine months than eight.

Nine months. That's how long she gestated for inside of me. And now she's been out in the world for about the same time.

Slow down kid. What's your hurry? I want to say to her. I know she'll be off like a bullet once she tastes a smidgen of independence.

Amongst my new mum friends, there is heightened anxiety regarding milestones and development. Are they  eating? Crawling? Sleeping? Walking? Later on I imagine it will be other things like whether they know their ABCs or if they can swim yet?

Part of my job as a parent is to facilitate her development in the best way I can. But personally, I think there is too much emphasis on development and getting further along.

She's a kid. Let her have a childhood.

A friend of mine asked me recently what dreams and hopes I have for Dragon. I said I had none. Apart from her happiness and health that is.

After all, she's not here to live out my dreams and hopes.

I'm here to help her live out hers.

I hope she has many.

Turn the Other Cheek

One of the common myths about becoming a parent is that you ditch all your non -parent friends. That you become so obsessed with all things baby that you:

a) become a total baby bore
b) become a bit "us" and "them" in regards to people who don't have kids
c) secretly feel that people who don't have kids haven't glimpsed the meaning of life, blah, blah, blah

There is truth to all of the above. You do become obsessed. You have to in order to embrace the tsunami of a life change that is happening to you. As part and parcel of this obsession, you do become a baby bore for awhile. Therefore you do separate parent friends and non parent friends as you know who you can talk to about baby for more than five minutes and who not to. And as for the meaning of life, well its true that kids completely change your life forever. But it's your life. Not your friends.

Since birth, I have made a conscious effort not to become a baby bore in the presence of my non parent friends. After all, they have rich and varied lives which interest me more than discussing how many nappies I changed that day. I remember how much I used to hate it when I was not a parent and had to endure conversations about kids and nothing else.

What I did not expect though was for some non parent friends to ditch me. Yes! They turned the other cheek.

Did you hear? She had a baby. Another one bites the dust

After I gave birth to Dragon, some friends just disappeared from my life. They made all the right noises about coming to see me and the baby. But they never came. She's seven months old now. They ain't coming.

I wonder what I could have done to warrant this. Is having a baby so bad? It's not infectious.

It makes me wonder what our friendship was really about.

Turns out it was about them.

Paradoxes of Parenting

I have ten minutes to write this. This is what my life has become. Short bursts of moments where I can fit in anything other than Looking After Baby. Therefore I write in short sentences.

I was thinking yesterday what a contrary experience parenting has been so far. Riddled with cliches yet everything a new discovery.  I share these in short sentences;

You sleep less than ever before in your life yet have to do the most exhausting, non-stop work ever

Some days you wish your child to disappear but are filled with the most bone-chilling dread at the thought of it

Your brain is not engaged in the way it was prior to birth yet you are at your most intuitive

They take up your whole life and in doing so, your life changes

You long for your baby to stop crying and sleep but creep in to watch them breathe when they do

You collapse exhausted at the end of the day, relieved that the baby is asleep and you can have some time to yourself. An hour later, you start looking at photos of him/her on your phone

You miss them even though they are with you

Your relationship with your partner becomes tested to its very core and in being so, becomes stronger

You long to leave, to escape the four walls of parenting but on the days you have a baby free pass, you think about baby and hurry home.

My ten minutes are up. I'm back on duty.

The Trip of a Lifetime

Our five week stay in Australia is drawing to a close. I mistakenly thought that time away with family and friends would mean I would feel more rested but alas, I feel more tired than when I first arrived. Oh well. This is the first big trip we've done with Dragon and I've learnt many things about travelling with a young baby. Some of these include:

Despite all the advice you get or tips you read up on, 50% of how your journey will go depends on your baby's personality and the unknown factors you encounter along the trip

For the first time, you will be grateful for other young babies seated near you on a flight. It takes the pressure off you and your crying child.

That said, do not worry if your baby cries. See it as a good thing. They are clearing their airways. That means their ears won't hurt as much.

Your baby's routine/schedule/whatever will completely change when you are away. Freak out if you want for a day or two and then let it go. For us this meant that Dragon stopped sleeping through. Yes this sucked. Oh well.

Travelling and being on holidays with a baby is extremely tiring. But it's worth it.

If you have a predisposition towards being OCD about hygiene or cleanliness re your baby, you might also have to let this go slightly, depending on where you are staying, what you are doing and who you are with. Let your baby get a bit dirty and germy. It won't kill them and they need it to build their immunity.

Learn to say No to friends and family who want to see your baby as many times as possible. This is difficult as you want this too. But in order not to get run down, you must protect your own health and energy, and subsequently, that of your babys'.

Holidays with babies are not holidays. They are simply a change of the environment under which you continue to care for your child.

Everyone should travel with their babies if they have the opportunity. It enhances the whole early baby experience. And it makes you feel like a person, not just a parent. And it is a great lesson in flexibility.

All the new mothers I have met in the last six months seem to have taken the above to heart. India, Hungary, France, Australia, Slovenia, Germany, Amsterdam are some of the places that Dragon's baby friends have visited. It's a great privilege and luxury to be able to show your kid a different part of the world before they have teeth or can walk.

Next up, my favourite city of all. New York, New York.

My Mum's a Tree Hugger

Now that I am a mum, I view my life very differently. For example, I asked myself the other day:

What have I worked for that I am proud of as an example to Dragon?


I worked for twenty years in a wide range of jobs before I became pregnant. But the only thing that came to mind was my time spent as an environmental campaigner with The Wilderness Society.

Why?

Our family is about to take a long flight back to Oz. I know that once we land, if we jumped into a car and drove about six hours southwards, we would arrive at a place where old growth forests containing trees hundreds and hundreds of years old still stand tall. Not only trees but the whole ecosystems within are preserved and have not been razed to the ground for woodchips.

These trees hold secrets of the universe we could not even begin to imagine

I know I can show Dragon this ancient, primeval environment and say,


I helped save this

And that makes me prouder than anything else so far.

I Love Sark

My friend Justin gave me my first Sark book in 1997 and I've been a fan ever since!

Generation Google

Recently Dragon entered yet another phase of development with new and unexplained behaviours which left me drained and puzzled. So I did what my generation does. I hit the internet.

The more I read, the more confused I got. It seems that Dragon could be overstimulated; eating too frequently;  not eating enough; teething; going through a growth spurt; suffering from reflux or wind; have trust issues as I let her cry herself to sleep; on the wrong schedule for her age; ready to wean; have allergies; needing more activity time; needing less activity time; missing her sleep window; a psychopath or all of the above.

Dear Google - Where Did These Children Come From?*

My friend Suki who is also a new mum told me that a midwife once said to her:


Your generation of  women want to schedule your babies like you schedule your lives.

And its true. We want to have it all figured out. But you can't do that with babies. So there is a big industry out there making money from this insecurity. The Schedulers and the Whisperers.

Don't get me wrong. I think its a good thing that there is information out there. For I don't live in a society where I am surrounded by a village of experienced women who will guide and show me how to mother on a day-to-day basis. I have to get an inkling somehow.

But the best way I've found is through word of mouth with other mothers. And your own instinct.

Something that comes free and doesn't take hours of Googling to find online.

*Photo courtesy of http://melissacooley.com/2011/06/what-work-life-balance/